The Art of Discipline: Reconnecting Our Children to God
“…For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives… For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”—Hebrews 12:6, 11 (ESV)
One of my most challenging seasons in parenting was the toddler years. Our children were newly mobile and discovering their wills—often loudly! They could tell us what they wanted, but not yet understand why “no” was sometimes love. Some days, it felt like we were saying the same thing over and over just to keep them safe. Anyone relate?
In our last post, we talked about how discipline communicates the seriousness of sin. But discipline is more than correcting bad behavior—it’s a way God trains both parent and child to love what is good. While discipline methods vary depending on age and personality, the goal remains the same: to help our children live within the circle of God’s blessing.
That’s exactly what Hebrews 12 reminds us: God’s discipline is an act of love. It is how He trains His children toward righteousness and peace. This helps me see discipline differently—not as something I have to do to my children, but something God is doing through me to shape their hearts. Let’s look at this more closely.
Discipline: God’s Loving Training
Hebrews 12 gives us a beautiful picture of God’s heart in discipline—never punishment for punishment’s sake but training that produces righteousness. Discipline is a form of grace, how our Father conforms us to His holiness and keeps us close to His heart.
Yet discipline rarely feels loving in the moment—for parent or child. When I’m irritated that I have to discipline (again!), remembering how often God patiently corrects me and softens my heart. His holiness and love aren’t opposites: they unite in His design to make us whole and holy. Remembering this helps me approach my child not as a judge demanding payment, but as a mother learning from her Father how to restore a wandering heart.
Discipline also reveals my own heart. God’s patient correction stands in contrast to my pride and impatience. He reminds me that I also repeat the same sins and need His grace. Like Him, we train patiently, trusting that growth takes time. Accepting the repetitive nature of correction is one way we reflect His kindness and grace to our children.
When my youngest was small, I saw glimpses of that “peaceful fruit of righteousness” (Heb. 12:11). After being corrected, he would sometimes slip a handwritten note of apology under the door. Those little notes are more valuable to me than any fancier gifts I receive now because they reminded me that, though fellowship had been broken, it was restored again—a small picture of the gospel we both need.
Applying Gospel-Shaped Discipline: A Heart-Check for Parents
If discipline is how God lovingly trains His children toward holiness, then our discipline should mirror that same redemptive purpose. Before we act, it helps to slow down and prayerfully evaluate how we are training, not only that we are correcting. Here are some questions to help us align our discipline with the Father’s heart.
1. Evaluate the Method
Every parenting book or social post promises results, but they also carry with it an assumption about God and our human nature. It’s important for us to evaluate these underlying assumptions. Therefore, before adopting a method, ask:
Does this approach reflect God’s character—patient, truthful, and redemptive?
Does it aim for the heart or only for outward compliance?
Am I drawn to this because it gives me control or because it helps me shepherd my child’s heart toward Christ?
Will this method move my child toward restored relationship or leave them isolated in shame?
When we measure methods this way, Scripture—not trends—becomes our standard. Some strategies may work in the short term, but if they form habits of fear, manipulation, or self-righteousness, they miss the gospel’s aim. We want to train in grace, not merely in behavior.
2. Discern the Issue
Before responding, define what’s actually happening. Not every difficulty requires the same response.
Is this a matter of immaturity (they don’t yet know how) or disobedience (they know but refuse)?
Is my child tired, hungry, or overwhelmed—or resisting rightful authority?
What fruit of the Spirit might need nurturing here—self-control, kindness, patience, humility?
What is my heart responding to—their sin, or my inconvenience?
Taking a moment to discern the issue helps us avoid reactive discipline. We remember that our goal is restoration, not retribution.
3. Select a Fitting Response
Once we understand the issue, we can choose a method consistent with God’s redemptive purposes. Not every method is appropriate for every child or for all time. Keep in mind your child’s developmental stage and personality.
For young children, consistency teaches trust. Firm, calm boundaries remind them that our word is reliable.
For older children, conversations, natural consequences, or loss of privileges may help them connect behavior with broken fellowship.
For each personality, consider how your child best receives correction. Some need quiet firmness; others need gentle words and time to process.
Ask: What approach will most clearly communicate both truth and love? What are they able to understand about the gospel at this time? Our aim is not simply to make them stop but to lead them back into relationship, with us but ultimately, with God.
4. Pair Correction with Encouragement
Every act of discipline should be balanced with hope. After correction:
Reaffirm love and restore fellowship.
Acknowledge repentance or small steps of obedience.
Pray together, thanking God for His forgiveness and help to grow.
When we celebrate obedience as much as we correct sin, our homes begin to echo the Father’s joy over His children.
5. Pray and Reflect
Afterward, pause to ask:
What did this reveal about my child’s heart—and mine?
Did my words reflect God’s patience or my frustration?
How might the gospel reshape our next conversation?
Parenting this way is slow, sometimes messy work, but it’s holy work. Each act of correction becomes a small rehearsal of grace: sin exposed, love extended, fellowship restored. Taking the time to learn from each discipline session, pray over it with the Lord, and then improve on it each time is how we also are trained, even as we are training our children. I encourage you not to skip it!
