If you've been following along the past week, you will already know it's been a tumultuous week for our family. In between having a CT scan and packing up in preparation to show our house to sell, it has been a crazy week. I apologize for the inconsistency in my blogging. Hopefully, when things settle down a bit back to normal, I will get back into a regular routine again. Until then, I will keep writing as the Lord leads. Thanks for walking through this journey with me. Well, just when I think things were going to settle down, I received another curve ball. The CT scan results from Tuesday came up with another interesting finding: an ovarian cyst. This was totally unexpected and definitelly not what they were looking for! While there is nothing wrong with my urinary tract/kidneys, this incidental finding will also require me to get an ultrasound to see what is going on.
Interestingly, I got the same kind of ultrasound done in May and it was not there at that time. So, my guess is it is a relatively new development. Again, I am completely ignorant of its existence, so when my doctor told me the news, I wasn't sure what to say. What we do with it will depend on the results of the ultrasound. I have been told that ovarian cysts are quite common and not to worry about it.
As I have been stewing on this latest development, I am realizing one thing: instead of focusing on the results and what is going to happen to me, I need to focus on God alone. As I have been praying over this situation, I am learning that I need to pray "Your will be done"---and believe that if I pray this, no matter what the outcome, it is the right thing. God will answer this prayer, whether it go the way I want or not. I cannot put hope in anything else.
When I fix myself on a particular outcome, I end up focusing on whether or not God will come through for me or not. Will He or won't He? When I focus on God Himself, whatever the outcome, I know that this is His plan for us.
I am finding that this is true whether I am praying about my health or about our housing situation. Like I had mentioned, we are going to be putting our house up on the market this week, with the hopes of selling it. For the past couple of days, we have been looking at new homes and have found a couple that we like.
Instead of setting my heart on a particular house or worrying about whether our house will sell or if the timing will work out, I need to believe that God will do what is right for our family. I can have a preference (e.g. a particular house or a positive outcome for my test results), but ultimately, I need to leave it in God's hands.
Of course I want a clean bill of health. I want to be able to see God do a miracle for us and sell our home and get us into a new one before the year ends. I would be lying if I said I really didn't care. I do care. I do want these things. But do I want Him more than I want good results?
As this is something I am still going through now, I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know the end of the story. All I know is that I am tempted to fixate on a particular outcome, and so I worry. But God is using this opportunity for me to learn how to focus on Him, not on what is going to happen to me or to my family.
How about you? Do you have a burden and worry---especially one that is beyond your control? Let's focus on the Lord together. He is for us. Whatever happens, we are in the best hands if we are surrendered to Him. Easier said than done, I know, but I've tried the alternative---worrying, manipulating and taking things into my own hands. If it works, I am tempted into pride. If it doesn't, I am in despair.
No, it is far better to humbly submit myself to the Lord. Yes, I will do my part in whatever way I can. I will continue to pack. I will keep looking at homes. We will put our house up on the market and make offers on homes we like. We will continue to hope and dream. But after I have done what I think the Lord wants me to do, I need to rest in His care. It truly is the safest place in the world. Whatever happens, I know that I am in His will.
PS For those of you who have been praying, by all means, please don't stop! Whether this is "just" a cyst or not, it does have the potential to affect our adoption. I appreciate all your prayers on my behalf and praise the Lord for it. You are a blessing to me.