I'm tired. Really tired. Sometimes I wonder if I could just backtrack and go back to the way things were.
For the past few weeks, we have slowly been easing back into reality. First Dan went back to work. Then the next week, we added school, adoption post-placement and doctor visits. This week, I added menu planning and grocery shopping and ministry time. Little by little, we are developing what I call a "new normal."
There are days when I yearn for my "old life." Days when I didn't have to figure out what her whining means. Days when I didn't have to bring the portable toilet seat around with me whenever we leave the house for more than a couple hours at a time. Days when we could leave things out without worrying about it being scribbled on, broken or lost.
But even with these things, the Lord is teaching me to be thankful. Things that come to mind include:
- seeing my kids work together as a team with us to take care of Anah and the housework.
- seeing less procrastination in myself
- enjoying the little things--cooking meals, washing dishes, and doing laundry all seem so relaxing now in comparison
- appreciating my healthy children much more
- appreciating my husband and all that he does, even after a busy day in the office
- realizing that God is helping me to love someone who is disabled and growing in me a compassion I never possessed
- a new admiration for others who have adopted multiple times or multiple children
- a new boldness to speak up instead of worrying what other people think.
- sweet fellowship with other adoptive mothers who understand and a greater appreciation of real community
- witnessing Anah's new achievements every day--and knowing that she learned it from us!
- seeing how God is pulling together loose ends of my life, experiences that I thought were random and weaving them together into a beautiful tapestry.
So, tired, yes. Missing my old life? At times. But deep down, I also know I wouldn't trade it for the world. Little things, but things that I don't think I would have experienced or things that may take a long time to develop, things that I have wanted all along but didn't happen until we brought her home. Having Anah in our home and in our lives has helped me to appreciate and see things with a new perspective that I haven't before.
Maybe I don't want to go back to that old life after all.