[box] Every Saturday morning, I will be sharing a little snippet from my own personal walk with God...straight from the heart. God has work to do in me too, and sometimes it's not pretty. But my prayer is that as I am honest, He is more able to do that work in me...and at the same time, encourage you as well. [/box] "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."--John 14:18
Sometimes posts are not going to be tied up in with a nice conclusion. This is one of them. I'm not even sure what the point is. And I reserve the right to blog those kinds of things from time to time. But I think it is important for me to be honest about that. Walking with God isn't always clear-cut and clean. At least it isn't for me. So this is one of those messy posts. Just keeping it real here. For the past couple of days, my husband attended Summit VIII, a conference focused on adoption. For the kids' sakes, Istayed home, but through the marvel of technology, I was able to watch alongside with him via the webstream while still homeschooling and housework. Isn't that so cool?
I have to admit that I still don't know what we are getting ourselves into. Maybe that's a good thing because if I know, I probably won't do it. In my case, ignorance is bliss.
But as the time draws nearer, I think I am reminded of my complete inadequacy. At least the awareness of it has mushroomed! The thought dawned on me yesterday that I have not committed myself just to take care of a cute, sweet, five-year-old girl in the picture that captured our hearts. That little girl has already turned seven. If I am focused only on a frozen moment in time, I am going to have a very difficult adjustment.
The reality that God impressed on me is that I have committed to not just a little girl, but a teenager, a young adult, and a middle-aged woman. I have committed to loving a person unconditionally, to getting to know her quirks and God-given abilities. Just as I am committed to my children all their days of our lives, so I have committed to do the same for Anah, just as if she were my natural-born child.
But I'm going to be honest here. I'm not sure if I am going to be able to do it. It seems like others have way more confidence in me than I do. I know I cannot.
And yet, that is also the point. I am not able. If I just look at myself, this whole enterprise is doomed. I know my selfish heart. I know my ways. I know my failures. I know my inadequacies.
But He still chose me. Just as He chose me to be the mother of Janna, Matthew, and Jonathan, He has chosen me to be the mother of Anah. Even though I did not give birth to her, she is no less my daughter. There is no distinction. He calls me to love her as if I was the one who carried her.
If I allow myself to dwell on just me, I know I will become depressed, angry or even bitter. The only hope I have is that I have Jesus. He has done this before. He is an expert with orphans, for I am one. But He did not leave me. He did not just stand far off and hand me gifts of money or food and call it good. He has stepped into my flesh, took on my humanity and has borne the weight of my sin.
How can I do any less? If I am to follow Him, I need to be willing to do get into the trenches, not stand at a distance so that I don't muss my hair or dirty my hands. His call doesn't just revolve around batting around theological doctrine or doing time in ministry. It is about letting Him come in to me and radically change my whole perspective on life.
It has been almost a year since I started blogging here at Mom University. A lot has happened...and I believe God isn't finished yet. To tell you the truth, I am scared stiff at what God is preparing me for. I think it is because of my tendency to turn inward instead of looking upward. If you are reading this, will you please pray that I will keep my eyes focused on Him and not on myself? It really isn't about me. It's all about Him. One day, He is coming back for me. I hope He will find me faithful.
Heavenly Father, You know my weakness and my frailty. I feel particularly inadequate right now to care for Anah in the long run. You are going to have to change my perspective, strengthen my arms, and fill my heart with You. Thank You for giving me Jesus, who has made my adoption into Your family possible. You are an expert on adoption. It is Your idea in the first place. Teach me Your ways. Grow in me Your heart. Thank You for not leaving me alone. You will come for me. May our family be to Anah a living representation of You, that she may know You all the more because of us. In Jesus' name, Amen.