[box] Every Saturday morning, I will be sharing a little snippet from my own personal walk with God...straight from the heart. God has work to do in me too, and sometimes it's not pretty. But my prayer is that as I am honest, He is more able to do that work in me...and at the same time, encourage you as well.[/box] So we are now settled in to our little home. Little by little it is becoming our own. After moving and shifting our belongings from one shelf or cabinet to the next, I think things are now in their final destination. This then helps when we want to do something basic, like getting a bowl of cereal for breakfast or taking a shower in the morning. Instead of taking 15 minutes looking through every cupboard, I can now find things with relative ease and move through the day much more smoothly. Yay!
And yet, I have also noticed that it is when things are a little out of whack that I am closest to God. Maybe it's the novelty and newness. Maybe it's because I know I cannot do this on my own. Maybe it's because it feels like an adventure! Whatever it is, it is out on the limb that I grow more and trust more, forced to take what I profess to believe and make it real.
I confess that I tend to like playing it safe. I am not a risk-taker by nature. Even with this remodel, I didn't want to break ground until we had the check from the refinance in hand (which we don't). But yesterday, they started tearing up the concrete in our backyard so I'm feeling a little uneasy. Will we be left with debts we cannot pay? Will we be able to finish what we start? Most importantly, is God going to pull through?
There are so many things in my life right now that are pushing me out of my comfort zone. I have a sneaking suspicion it's because I like to be in control (can anyone echo that?). I spend all my energies worrying and trying to micromanage all that is going on in our lives. I live in a state of fear that despite all my efforts, things are still going to fall apart and I will be left to pick up the pieces.
But God. Those words seem to shine light into my anxious heart. Though I have not grasped this whole-heartedly yet, they pierce through the worry and fear and give a glimmer of hope. Even when my world feels like it keeps shifting, when I think things are settling down, another wave hits---even then, He is solid, constant and unchanging. His hand is in control, even when mine isn't.
This year is going to be one that is going to turn our world upside down. Some of it is by choice, as we prepare ourselves to bring in another child into our home. Some of it is going to be unexpected, such as health issues. Right now, I sense that the Lord is inviting me to step out of the comfort zone of my own control, of a life that is my own making, and free fall into His arms. The question is, will I do it? Will I fight him or will I surrender?
Sure, I can probably work very hard to manage my own life. I can shuffle and re-shuffle, arrange and re-arrange, until everything falls into a predictable and orderly way that I can handle. I think I would prefer it that way. And yet, when I do, who knows what greater things I will be missing out on when I play it safe?
One of the greatest fears I have is speaking up, especially for Him. I keep coming back to this, mainly because no one else I know is doing it. Who am I to think that I have something of importance to share? And yet, He keeps calling me to teach, to write. That is so not me. I much prefer being in the background, helping behind the scenes, leading small groups, having one-on-one conversations. But broadcasting my thoughts on the internet? No way! Every time I write a post, including this one, there is fear and trepidation when I press that "Publish" button.
And yet, He keeps pushing me on, goading me almost, to keep going. I don't know where this blog is going to go, what He is going to do. But I am trusting that somehow, someway, despite my fear, He is going to do something beyond what I can even ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20,21).
Thank You, Lord, for loving me enough to push me out of my comfort zone, even though try as I might, I seek to manage and keep things safe, try to put things in a way that would suit me without too much stress or strain. And yet, that is not what You desire for me. You desire me to live on the crest of the wave of faith, having nothing to hold on to but You. Heavenly Father, please help me not to give in to the temptation of comfort and instead be willing to step out in the great Unknown with You. For You are not only with me, You hold me by your right and and afterward, will lead me to Glory. (Psalm 73:23-24) Despite what it looks like on the outside, the safest place is with You, even if it takes me to places I do not wish to go. May each step I take outside my comfort zone bring me closer to You. In Jesus' name, Amen.