[box] Every Saturday morning, I will be sharing a little snippet from my own personal walk with God...straight from the heart. God has work to do in me too, and sometimes it's not pretty. But my prayer is that as I am honest, He is more able to do that work in me...and at the same time, encourage you as well.[/box] "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."--James 5:16 (ESV)
In my younger years, one of the things that my friends (notice the plural form) confronted me about was my perfectionism. Of course, I didn't see it as a sin. After all, didn't Peter exhort us to be holy as our God is holy? (1 Peter 1:15-16) What I now realize they are saying is that the issue was not about being holy, but about me being "holier than thou," which is a big difference.
This morning, I had a major blowout with my daughter. Yes, I did. I was in her face and I couldn't believe the things that were coming out of my mouth. I knew I needed to stop, but didn't heed the Spirit's voice. I was on a rampage and there was no one that was going to stop me from having my say. I didn't wake up angry at her or anything. It was just something she did that pushed me over the edge (something that was accompanied by some eye-rolling).
As I stomped into the kitchen to get tonight's dinner in the crockpot, I kept the argument running in my head. I felt fully justified for what I did. I couldn't just let her get away with it, right? If I don't tell her, what kind of mother am I? And so on and so on.
I savagely chopped up my carrots and potatoes for the stew I was making, and as I did so, God began to calm me down. By the time I was pouring the gravy on top, I realized that I had made a big mess and I needed to clean it up. And it was not going to be easy.
I am sharing this now, just to dispel any ideas that I just might be "supermom." With a name like Mom University, you would think that the person behind it would have a bit of a handle on herself. But that wouldn't be honest. I am not "holier than thou." At all. I am a mom saved by grace, but still dealing with the flesh. Just like you.
I wish I could take back what I said this morning, but I cannot. Now I have to deal with the consequences of rebuilding my relationship with my daughter. I felt like I had just taken big strides forward this week, only to have it undone in a moment.
But oh, the grace of God! Where I cannot find hope in myself and my ability to change, He is there with me. As I poured out my frustrations, pain and contrition before Him, I was reassured that though I will need to go through some humbling paths, He will help me. Even through my sin, He is able to teach me, mature me and grow me...if I let Him.
To be honest, one of the first thoughts that came to my mind was: "And you're helping moms to equip their children for the next generation?" I knew instantly that it was the voice of the enemy. He has been hounding me for the past 3 months and he wasn't done yet.
It was at this point when I realized that Satan would love to see this ministry go down. Big time. Whenever he gets the chance to exploit me in my sin, you can bet he will do so. I do need to take responsibility for my actions, but I also know that there is someone who is quite delighted at my downfall.
But instead, God prompted me to write. Doing so has been very healing and cathartic. (Thank you for listening to me ramble!) What the enemy would want to use to sabotage this work, I am praying God can use to bless and encourage others.
This is probably not going to be the first of my confessions. I've still got a long ways to go. It's not over yet! But thanks be to our God and Father who provides outlets for healing and forgiveness and restoration. You have been that outlet for me this morning. If He moves you to pray for me and this ministry, I would be incredibly thankful. I need those prayers so much.
And now to clean up my mess.