It has been a long time since I have posted, hasn't it? After finishing our study in Journeys of Faithfulness with my daughter and her friends, life went back to normal. Since then, Janna has finished high school, my husband and I have had more difficult discussions over future decisions, and Anah has gone forward (and backward) with her neurodevelopmental program. It has been full indeed.
In fact, I don't know if "full" is even the best word, as it has a positive connotation. Instead, I think the word "burdened," "heavy," and "painfully slow" seem to be better descriptions of my life now. It has been this way for the past 18 months, since Anah's arrival. I chafe at this when I want to sit down and write but just don't have the time or the energy to do so.
As I look back over the timeline of the past four years or so, I often come up confused. Back in 2010, I believed God had me on a trajectory, that though was not my plan, I was willing to trust Him to work through me. I took steps of faith to begin speaking to groups of moms and even submit articles for publication. In both venues, I sensed the Lord was giving me the green light to keep moving forward, which was why I took the next step of starting a blog. Little by little, He was developing a vision to use the resources He has given me to further His Kingdom through speaking and writing. It certainly was a step out of my comfort zone.
Then it hit. In 2011, just as I was starting to get things up and running, came the invitation to consider adoption. Before I knew it, we were filling out forms, getting fingerprinted, and meeting with social workers. The next year, our house was remodeled to accommodate Anah and soon after, we were on an international flight with all our kids. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering, "What has this got to do with speaking and writing?"
I have been wrestling with this over the past 18 months, because honestly, I have not had the time to sit and write something meaningful on a consistent basis. And for those of you who still faithfully check this blog on occasion, I thank you for putting up with my less-than-stellar performance. In fact, for all I know, I might be writing to no one but myself at this point.
My rebellious side has tried to resist what God wants to do through Anah in my life. I think, "Doggone it, God has been preparing me to teach and write, so I'm going to do it!" So I try this idea for the blog and I try that one, but the reality of life keeps me from following through. I often feel like I am hitting a wall. In fact, as I look back on my posts, they are more apologies for not writing than for anything else.
However, this week, I think God is slowly revealing a glimpse of the "backside" of the tapestry He is weaving in my life. Yes, He may have been preparing me for a future ministry of writing and speaking, but it is clearly not that season right now. In fact, I don't know when that will ever be, and sometimes I waffle between wondering if I heard right in the first place and despairing that I will never get there because it feels like I will never move out of this stage of life.
But as I began reading Alan Fadling's An Unhurried Life this week, I realized that perhaps, that the temptation Jesus faced in the wilderness before his earthly ministry may in some cases be mine too. And that may be where the similarities end. Alan then writes, "It strikes me that the essence of these temptations was to provoke Jesus to hurry to get for himself what the Father had promised to provide, but in his good timing." Bingo. And the light went on. I have been trying to get for myself what He is preparing for me on my own timetable, not His. No wonder there is friction!
There have been times when I have doubted all that God had been developing over the past ten years. When I look at this season of my life with Anah, I don't see any correlation. Often, it feels like He has taken me on a backroad that is way off the course that I thought He was taking me on.
But through this illustration, the Lord is reminding me that I cannot base my understanding on my own human perspective, for "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways." As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are His ways and thoughts higher than mine. (Isaiah 55:8, 9)
So His lesson for me right now is this: Slow down. Don't rush. Enter fully into this season of life that I find myself in, trusting that He will get me there in His good time. And even if I never see what I think He is doing, I know that there must be an even better reason behind it.
I just need to wait for it.